Felt a twinge of that old fear that comes up now and again within me the other day. It's something that to some point has always been there, and I've never known why. What was it in my childhood, infanthood (in the womb even?) that something caused the great fear, the paranoia? I've begun to wonder if it was ever anything at all. OCD is labeled an anxiety disorder. Of course, like with all mental illnesses/disorders, whether the chicken or the egg came first will always be the question. Did the fear cause the obsessive behavior, or was it in reverse? What caused what? We may never know.
But that may not matter anyway. It's the dealing with it that matters. Sometimes the why is everything, sometimes, and I think in this case, it's a moot point. It is and it will continue to be. And I will continue to deal with it as it arises.
I feel exceptionally frustrated that I'm unable to articulate the fear. It's not an average or common fear, as far as I can tell. Especially because most of it is based on nothing. It's not fear of death, or getting into an accident, or losing a loved one. It's an indefinable fear. A psychotic fear? I almost fear that things are going to jump out at me from no where. What exactly I don't know. It's kind of a fear that the fabric of the universe is going to rip open and reveal some horrid universe.
As I write it now I see how crazy it sounds. And maybe that makes sense. Maybe it's residual fear from my bouts in the hospital, my pseudo-psychotic lapses. Losing one's mind, even if only temporarily and then only partially, is not something I would wish on anyone, and I do mean anyone. I know I never fully dealt with the terror I experienced at the time. I couldn't. I had to pretend it hadn't happened to get myself out of it. The more I worried about my mind, the more the sickness lingered. I know I packed a lot of the experience away into baggage I'm still carrying around. Do I want to open it? Is it worth it? Is it a Pandora's box?
I can deal with it for the time being. I acknowledge the fear, and then give it no credence. Like John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, I too have learned to subsist on a mental diet. I indulge some appetites and avoid others. I do not know where the fear, panic, comes from (sometimes it's been so strong I feel I am not in control of my own mind), but I do know it comes and goes like the weather, and if I ignore it for long enough, it will go away.
2 comments:
Ask me about Pandora sometimes, it's very interesting where the story came from...
-Larisa.
It sounds like you wonder what type of fear you have. It is interesting that one definition of fear is 'an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger and accompanied by increased autonomic activity'. So fear is the feeling you get as a result of chemical reaction in the brain. It is usaully cause by something physical or emotional. What if that is not always the case though. There is the saying I like, There is nothing to fear but fear itself! So that means it could be the fear itself that is frightful, which in turn, creates the fear. Just like the chicken and the egg thing you mentioned. I think that might be why it is so hard to define where the fear comes from. I could be wrong...
--Just one of my crazy thoughts--
Nate
Post a Comment