Depression on the Run...

My lack of current posts is both a good and a bad thing.

The good part is that, for the first half of my month's absence, I've been too busy to post. Maybe it's the medication kicking in. Maybe I've just been on a roll. It's probably somewhere between the two.

Last half month was not so good. Not too bad either, though, just not good. Got sick... the whole family did, and that's always a drag. I was cooped up in the house for two days and started going stir crazy... which is a good sign, actually. Means I'm itching to get moving again. Before that I feel like I just got derailed. That happens to me a lot. Things don't go well, things don't get done, and soon it all snowballs and I feel like my life is spinning out of control. So I become an ostrich. I don't do anything because I don't know what to do. I could relate it to a predator/prey situation too. One reason prey flock together is that so when a predator strikes, they all run in different directions. The predator gets confused and ends up chasing none of them. Sometime I feel like the predator, and my goals and dispersing like clever prey.

The first thing I've had to teach myself about getting derailed is getting myself back on track. Picking one target and just running with it. I was able to do that today, and already feel much better. I also feel that the two weeks before I may have been a little too successful, if that's such a thing. I got so much done so quickly I couldn't keep up with myself... I lost focus. And then I did nothing. And then the snowball gathered. But today I was able to reverse my internal inertia. And it wasn't all that hard once I made up my mind to do it.

It's also been what I call a working depression. I've worked through it. Besides the illness, I've kept myself going to one degree or another, just at a muted pace. That's a two edged sword. Good because I don't stop. Bad because I don't always see I'm just pushing through what I should be dealing with.

I feel optimistic about the depression of late for two reasons. First of all, I've learned to pick myself and kick the dirt off pretty well now. I don't flounder in depression, lost and scared. I know the way out now, which I didn't before. So they aren't as scary anymore. Secondly, because now I can focus on the next phase of recovery: making the non-depressed states last longer. I've had to spend all my energies up until now focusing on coming out of depressions I've not had any time to think about how to sustain a non-depressive mood. It is a new world now... and I relish it.