I've been running on what seems to be a working depression for sometime now. It's been a shallow depression, if it even is one. I haven't really had a real depression in quite sometime now, and I hope it stays that way. But not everything is going swimmingly. I've had a lot of good habits broken of late, and while I haven't stopped being productive, I haven't been as productive as I like to be.
Organization has been important in my fight against depression, and lately I've felt I've had very little of that. It makes me uncomfortable, and yet, surprisingly, it hasn't seemed to bring me down as it usually does. I hope that's because I'm developing more and more tools to work around the depression. But my whole system for keeping myself together has come unraveled for about two months now, and I'm finding myself with the same problem of getting myself back into those habits. This is made more difficult by the fact that the longer I'm off-track the harder it is to get back on-track. It's that same old vicious circle, the same downward spiral. Short-circuiting it is the hard part. In many other ways of life I've been able to do that, but this is still a problem. How do you get yourself organized when your very problem is that you're disorgranized? A Catch 22, it would seem.
There's been much to be depressed about, too. Fired from work, rent going up. Winter coming on. But I don't feel too dragged down by it all. Maybe it just hasn't caught up with me yet, but I like think it's from learning to deal with it. These things do seem to work out in time, it's just a question of how much you'll suffer in the meantime.
Felt the black mood coming on the other day, and yet I was able to get around it. That was a change for me. I realized I've never really tried to fight them off before. Truth be told, I actually felt a fondness for the black moods. Not that I missed them when they weren't around, but they were always a blanket for me when times were difficult. That's one of the many difficulties in fighting depression, there will always be a part of myself that misses it. It would seem like that would be the case, and I know this is partly why so many have trouble coming to terms with it, because most of us can't accept that we would miss it, and that a part of ourselves would prefer to remain depressed. But it must be accepted to be dealt with. It was difficult for Dr. Tacy to get through my head that, as bad as the depression was, at the time it was better than dealing with the things the depression was covering up. It kept me alive. And so the very thing that threatened to kill me was in fact trying to save my life. It just wasn't a very solution to a bigger problem.
And so I find myself now trying to come to new terms with that old demon in my head. I am coming to understand more and more that it, or it's affects, will never leave me. It is as much a part of me as anything else is, and to disown it is to disown myself.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Monday, August 16, 2004
Health...
Went to see my psychiatrist the other day. He was concerned because I told him I've kind of been using my Celexa (my happy pills depression medication) on an as-needed basis. This hasn't been intentional, it's just easy for me to forget that I need to take them when I'm feeling well. After I don't take it for awhile I notice my mood dip and I start taking them again, then forget to and repeat the cycle. He's worried because he says each time I come off it will make it harder to get back on it, and could end up meaning a higher dose or mixing it with another med. This is not desirable. For either party. So I guess I need to keep a much closer eye on that.
He also wants me to lose some weight and get more exercise. We did some blood work awhile back (to make sure the meds aren't causing any trouble) and while reviewing my file he mentioned that while my "bad" cholesterol is fine, the "good" is a little low. It should be around 34 or 35, he said, but mine is at 29. That can be raised with exercise. Something else is too high, but I can't remember what it's called, but it's the stuff that makes stuff stick to your arteries, so I'm supposed to eat less sugar and carbs. *sigh* We'll see how that goes.
I've not been happy of late, but I think it's just a factor of working a lot, needing a car, and money. These things will pass. It was a great two months preceding them.
He also wants me to lose some weight and get more exercise. We did some blood work awhile back (to make sure the meds aren't causing any trouble) and while reviewing my file he mentioned that while my "bad" cholesterol is fine, the "good" is a little low. It should be around 34 or 35, he said, but mine is at 29. That can be raised with exercise. Something else is too high, but I can't remember what it's called, but it's the stuff that makes stuff stick to your arteries, so I'm supposed to eat less sugar and carbs. *sigh* We'll see how that goes.
I've not been happy of late, but I think it's just a factor of working a lot, needing a car, and money. These things will pass. It was a great two months preceding them.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Carrying on...
I've been doing quite well of late considering how much I have worked. I have not had a full day off of work since the 15th of this month, and will not have one off until this Sunday, the 1st of August. Some of the shifts are sleep shifts, so it's not so bad, but it's still time away from home and with responsibilities. Considering the hours put in (118 in two weeks) and having the family at home, I've done much better than I thought I would, which pleases me. It tells me I've learned a lot more about taking care of myself and pacing myself when I know I need to.
Still, I know there is still some deep issues I'll need to work out stemming from my time in the hospital. Quite a few things got put on hold, which was necessary at the time, and I think need to come out now. It's been four years since that time, and while I knew it would always stay with me, it amazes me how much power it can still hold over me. The horror of the time is still very much a part of me. On the other hand, it probably amazes me even more how much I've recovered from it and moved on.
Still, I know there is still some deep issues I'll need to work out stemming from my time in the hospital. Quite a few things got put on hold, which was necessary at the time, and I think need to come out now. It's been four years since that time, and while I knew it would always stay with me, it amazes me how much power it can still hold over me. The horror of the time is still very much a part of me. On the other hand, it probably amazes me even more how much I've recovered from it and moved on.
Monday, July 19, 2004
Charting Success...
When I first began dealing with depression I heard from several sources one of the essential tools is a journal, which is one of the reasons I started this blog. But the reason behind keeping a journal is to track progress. It's easy to lose sight of one's accomplishments. They don't stand up very well, in point of view, to time. In thinking on this, I devised two systems for tracking my depression. One was a mood graph. I won't go into details, but I have a point system to keep tabs on how many good days I'm having and how many bad ones I'm having. It also keeps track of how good or how bad they are.
In time I began to see a need for a second chart. This one tracked productivity. This one is a little trickier to assign a value system to, and I'm frequently modifying it. Again, I won't go into detail, but basically there is a point system, plus and minus, to track how busy I'm keeping myself, as well as penalizing myself for procrastination and whatnot.
Both charts have been on a tear upwards of late, which is great. I've had predominantly good days for the last two months now, which I think might be a record. This is also coming after one of the longest slumps I've been in for a long time. Most of this year, up until two months ago, things were pretty dismal. The days weren't overwhelmingly bad, there were just a lot of them. It gives further evidence to the assistance medication brings. I believe much of it is also experience beginning to kick in. I'm finding myself rolling with punches and coming back faster from down spells.
The next two weeks should be a great test. I won't have another full day off of work until the beginning of next month. This isn't as bad as it sounds, because some of them are sleep shifts which by default cover two days. But it should be a good test. I've not been working a whole lot of late, and have found myself feeling a little glum because of it. I find myself looking forwards to work, a feeling foreign to depression. As I've felt in the past, it's not so much that I'm lazy, or was, but that I just don't care. It's hard to care about anything when you're depressed.
It's feels good to care.
In time I began to see a need for a second chart. This one tracked productivity. This one is a little trickier to assign a value system to, and I'm frequently modifying it. Again, I won't go into detail, but basically there is a point system, plus and minus, to track how busy I'm keeping myself, as well as penalizing myself for procrastination and whatnot.
Both charts have been on a tear upwards of late, which is great. I've had predominantly good days for the last two months now, which I think might be a record. This is also coming after one of the longest slumps I've been in for a long time. Most of this year, up until two months ago, things were pretty dismal. The days weren't overwhelmingly bad, there were just a lot of them. It gives further evidence to the assistance medication brings. I believe much of it is also experience beginning to kick in. I'm finding myself rolling with punches and coming back faster from down spells.
The next two weeks should be a great test. I won't have another full day off of work until the beginning of next month. This isn't as bad as it sounds, because some of them are sleep shifts which by default cover two days. But it should be a good test. I've not been working a whole lot of late, and have found myself feeling a little glum because of it. I find myself looking forwards to work, a feeling foreign to depression. As I've felt in the past, it's not so much that I'm lazy, or was, but that I just don't care. It's hard to care about anything when you're depressed.
It's feels good to care.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Fear...
Felt a twinge of that old fear that comes up now and again within me the other day. It's something that to some point has always been there, and I've never known why. What was it in my childhood, infanthood (in the womb even?) that something caused the great fear, the paranoia? I've begun to wonder if it was ever anything at all. OCD is labeled an anxiety disorder. Of course, like with all mental illnesses/disorders, whether the chicken or the egg came first will always be the question. Did the fear cause the obsessive behavior, or was it in reverse? What caused what? We may never know.
But that may not matter anyway. It's the dealing with it that matters. Sometimes the why is everything, sometimes, and I think in this case, it's a moot point. It is and it will continue to be. And I will continue to deal with it as it arises.
I feel exceptionally frustrated that I'm unable to articulate the fear. It's not an average or common fear, as far as I can tell. Especially because most of it is based on nothing. It's not fear of death, or getting into an accident, or losing a loved one. It's an indefinable fear. A psychotic fear? I almost fear that things are going to jump out at me from no where. What exactly I don't know. It's kind of a fear that the fabric of the universe is going to rip open and reveal some horrid universe.
As I write it now I see how crazy it sounds. And maybe that makes sense. Maybe it's residual fear from my bouts in the hospital, my pseudo-psychotic lapses. Losing one's mind, even if only temporarily and then only partially, is not something I would wish on anyone, and I do mean anyone. I know I never fully dealt with the terror I experienced at the time. I couldn't. I had to pretend it hadn't happened to get myself out of it. The more I worried about my mind, the more the sickness lingered. I know I packed a lot of the experience away into baggage I'm still carrying around. Do I want to open it? Is it worth it? Is it a Pandora's box?
I can deal with it for the time being. I acknowledge the fear, and then give it no credence. Like John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, I too have learned to subsist on a mental diet. I indulge some appetites and avoid others. I do not know where the fear, panic, comes from (sometimes it's been so strong I feel I am not in control of my own mind), but I do know it comes and goes like the weather, and if I ignore it for long enough, it will go away.
But that may not matter anyway. It's the dealing with it that matters. Sometimes the why is everything, sometimes, and I think in this case, it's a moot point. It is and it will continue to be. And I will continue to deal with it as it arises.
I feel exceptionally frustrated that I'm unable to articulate the fear. It's not an average or common fear, as far as I can tell. Especially because most of it is based on nothing. It's not fear of death, or getting into an accident, or losing a loved one. It's an indefinable fear. A psychotic fear? I almost fear that things are going to jump out at me from no where. What exactly I don't know. It's kind of a fear that the fabric of the universe is going to rip open and reveal some horrid universe.
As I write it now I see how crazy it sounds. And maybe that makes sense. Maybe it's residual fear from my bouts in the hospital, my pseudo-psychotic lapses. Losing one's mind, even if only temporarily and then only partially, is not something I would wish on anyone, and I do mean anyone. I know I never fully dealt with the terror I experienced at the time. I couldn't. I had to pretend it hadn't happened to get myself out of it. The more I worried about my mind, the more the sickness lingered. I know I packed a lot of the experience away into baggage I'm still carrying around. Do I want to open it? Is it worth it? Is it a Pandora's box?
I can deal with it for the time being. I acknowledge the fear, and then give it no credence. Like John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, I too have learned to subsist on a mental diet. I indulge some appetites and avoid others. I do not know where the fear, panic, comes from (sometimes it's been so strong I feel I am not in control of my own mind), but I do know it comes and goes like the weather, and if I ignore it for long enough, it will go away.
Sunday, June 27, 2004
On a roll...
Been back on meds a little more regular of late, and it seems to be helping... again. As time goes by it becomes a little more clear how meds help and how they don't. It's a tricky thing to try and entangle, the physiological from the psychological. They like to feed off of each other.
If I've learned anything, I've learned to get back on my feet a lot faster. I wonder how this will affect me down the road. I wonder how much my depression will effect me. It will always be a factor, but how much of one? It seems less of one now, or at least less often a factor. The lows aren't as low. I can't stop them from coming but I can lessen them. How much will I be able to lessen them tomorrow, I wonder. At least now I know what I'm dealing with. It's still hard for me to think of all the years I knew something was wrong, but not what, or why... Or how to deal with it. I see in retrospect I was often doing exactly opposite of what I should have. How many of the worlds problems could be solved if we simply knew how?
But for now I'm doing good. Been so much to deal with this year, I feel like a buoy... Down, but never out. Just bobbing along.
Been back on meds a little more regular of late, and it seems to be helping... again. As time goes by it becomes a little more clear how meds help and how they don't. It's a tricky thing to try and entangle, the physiological from the psychological. They like to feed off of each other.
If I've learned anything, I've learned to get back on my feet a lot faster. I wonder how this will affect me down the road. I wonder how much my depression will effect me. It will always be a factor, but how much of one? It seems less of one now, or at least less often a factor. The lows aren't as low. I can't stop them from coming but I can lessen them. How much will I be able to lessen them tomorrow, I wonder. At least now I know what I'm dealing with. It's still hard for me to think of all the years I knew something was wrong, but not what, or why... Or how to deal with it. I see in retrospect I was often doing exactly opposite of what I should have. How many of the worlds problems could be solved if we simply knew how?
But for now I'm doing good. Been so much to deal with this year, I feel like a buoy... Down, but never out. Just bobbing along.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Depression Strikes Back...
Just as I get up I get smacked down again. And so it goes. I can't blame this last spell all on depression. It's been a rough year so far. Very rough. Car troubles. Health troubles. Overworking myself troubles.
In a great sign of well-being, for the first quarter of this year I worked 40+ hours/week. And I could handle it. Actually enjoyed it. That's new for me. Since then I've been averaging 40/week, some weeks more, some weeks less. So I guess internally I've been doing pretty well, it's external that's a wreck.
Most all of my problems of late have either been with myself or with situations, not people. Haven't been having people problems, which is a good thing. The family's been getting along great, and has been a great boost to me when I'm feeling beat down. They say that children are a lot of work, and they are, but in my experience I've gotten far more out of my relationships with my children than I've given up. I've always thought that children owed their parents a great debt, and while that's true it seems to me I owe my children just as much as they owe me.
A lot of problems associated with depression have been strikingly absent of late, and I'm forced to conclude that these last 6 months of drudgery are just that. Drudgery. Yes, it's depressing. But I imagine anyone would have been depressed by the circumstances I found myself in. I don't think this depression was internalized... it was the world around me that was out of synch, not so much me. Given the option, I'd take the external depression rather than the internal ones I'm so used to.
Just as I get up I get smacked down again. And so it goes. I can't blame this last spell all on depression. It's been a rough year so far. Very rough. Car troubles. Health troubles. Overworking myself troubles.
In a great sign of well-being, for the first quarter of this year I worked 40+ hours/week. And I could handle it. Actually enjoyed it. That's new for me. Since then I've been averaging 40/week, some weeks more, some weeks less. So I guess internally I've been doing pretty well, it's external that's a wreck.
Most all of my problems of late have either been with myself or with situations, not people. Haven't been having people problems, which is a good thing. The family's been getting along great, and has been a great boost to me when I'm feeling beat down. They say that children are a lot of work, and they are, but in my experience I've gotten far more out of my relationships with my children than I've given up. I've always thought that children owed their parents a great debt, and while that's true it seems to me I owe my children just as much as they owe me.
A lot of problems associated with depression have been strikingly absent of late, and I'm forced to conclude that these last 6 months of drudgery are just that. Drudgery. Yes, it's depressing. But I imagine anyone would have been depressed by the circumstances I found myself in. I don't think this depression was internalized... it was the world around me that was out of synch, not so much me. Given the option, I'd take the external depression rather than the internal ones I'm so used to.
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