I've been running on what seems to be a working depression for sometime now. It's been a shallow depression, if it even is one. I haven't really had a real depression in quite sometime now, and I hope it stays that way. But not everything is going swimmingly. I've had a lot of good habits broken of late, and while I haven't stopped being productive, I haven't been as productive as I like to be.
Organization has been important in my fight against depression, and lately I've felt I've had very little of that. It makes me uncomfortable, and yet, surprisingly, it hasn't seemed to bring me down as it usually does. I hope that's because I'm developing more and more tools to work around the depression. But my whole system for keeping myself together has come unraveled for about two months now, and I'm finding myself with the same problem of getting myself back into those habits. This is made more difficult by the fact that the longer I'm off-track the harder it is to get back on-track. It's that same old vicious circle, the same downward spiral. Short-circuiting it is the hard part. In many other ways of life I've been able to do that, but this is still a problem. How do you get yourself organized when your very problem is that you're disorgranized? A Catch 22, it would seem.
There's been much to be depressed about, too. Fired from work, rent going up. Winter coming on. But I don't feel too dragged down by it all. Maybe it just hasn't caught up with me yet, but I like think it's from learning to deal with it. These things do seem to work out in time, it's just a question of how much you'll suffer in the meantime.
Felt the black mood coming on the other day, and yet I was able to get around it. That was a change for me. I realized I've never really tried to fight them off before. Truth be told, I actually felt a fondness for the black moods. Not that I missed them when they weren't around, but they were always a blanket for me when times were difficult. That's one of the many difficulties in fighting depression, there will always be a part of myself that misses it. It would seem like that would be the case, and I know this is partly why so many have trouble coming to terms with it, because most of us can't accept that we would miss it, and that a part of ourselves would prefer to remain depressed. But it must be accepted to be dealt with. It was difficult for Dr. Tacy to get through my head that, as bad as the depression was, at the time it was better than dealing with the things the depression was covering up. It kept me alive. And so the very thing that threatened to kill me was in fact trying to save my life. It just wasn't a very solution to a bigger problem.
And so I find myself now trying to come to new terms with that old demon in my head. I am coming to understand more and more that it, or it's affects, will never leave me. It is as much a part of me as anything else is, and to disown it is to disown myself.
1 comment:
Would you like your Ben Harper CDs back? Music helps me to change my mood. It can be a never ending struggle, to stay organized. To get out of the rut, sometimes I say to mayself, just do one thing today. After I've done it I usually feel more energized and can continue, but if not, I surrender and say, well, at least one thing was done. Grandpa does this, too. Over and over again. The never ending battle - you have my sympathy. Love, Mom
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