St. John's Wort...

For a number of reasons I have decided to try coming off of the Celexa and moving over to St. John's Wort. This is an idea I've been kicking around in my head for some time now.

The most fundamental reason is that St. John's Wort is an MAOI, or Monoamine Oxidase Inihibitor, which have shown themselves to be better at treating depression that SSRI's, or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor, which Celexa is classified as. It's also easier and much cheaper to get St. John's Wort. I generally prefer "natural" cures to drugs (though drugs are necessary), and also would like to not be dependant on medical insurance and having a doctor, as mine has not always been reliable.

The real problem is that SSRI's and MAOI's do not get along and can have lethal results if mixed. This means I will have to be off of Celexa for about three weeks before I can begin taking the St. John's Wort. This has already led to a false start, as I knew the two could not be mixed but did not know the length between the two was quite that long. I began taking very small doses of St. John's Wort only one week after discontinuing the Celexa and had mixed results. I believe I began having some symptom's of Serotonin Syndrome, though not most, and discontinued use to give my body more time to clear out the Celexa. Mainly I was beginning to feel "mental confusion" and racing thoughts, which may or may not have been symtoms, as it could also have been stress that I was under. Either way, better safe than sorry. There are also a number of foods it is recommended I stay away from.

This will no doubt be a difficult transition for me, and there is a lot of emotional baggage I am dealing with right now. Playing around with medication is always nerve racking for me, as I'm uncomfortable with the fact that our minds are basically created by a series of chemicals and changing those chemicals, in a good or bad way, can alter our thinking. This thought has bothered me ever since my encounter with marijuana, and haunts me to this day. I have realized in the last couple of days that the real psychological effects I felt after my unfortunate encounter had less to do with the pharmicological effects of THC as the psychological effects, the knowledge that our brain is a tool and can malfunction. It made me question reality itself, for what is reality to us other than our perception of it, and what happens when that perception is played with.

My early experience with St. John's Wort was a mixed one. As I said I think I was getting elevated levels of serotonin, which I did not enjoy, but on the other hand I found it much easier to feel emotion and to emote in general than I had with the Celexa (which had helped but I don't think as much). This was another mixed bag as I enjoyed being able to feel, but am also a little at a loss as to how to navigate the flood of emotions. One thing I realized is how scary depression itself is, as it's caused mainly by faulty brain chemistry to begin with. In other words, while trying a medication is hard enough, not taking medication is just as bad, as my chemistry isn't right to begin with. It's not as though I can reset to gain my bearings.

This last week I've had a flood of guilt, as with the St. John's Wort it seemed more than ever I could see how much my depression caused me to keep people out, to resist being loved. It's a terrifying thought for me that all these years help and understanding were there but I simply could not see it. That is as scary to me as when I was in the hospital, because both were a degree, albiet a small one, of psychosis. I feel almost like Neo awakening from the Matrix. All these years the truth was out there but I've been unable to see it or use it because my depression kept negative thoughts in front of me and disallowed positive ones. We all have our difficulties to deal with, but I've spent most of my life not being able to enjoy, or even know the existance of, the positive things we all have in our lives that makes life bearable. I feel as though I have been robbed of my joy, or worse, even my chance for joy then. As painful as that is, it's easier to deal with that pain and know that it can be healed than it is to just be depressed and not know it. It's easier to feel pain than to repress it and not know of it's existance. Whatever pain I feel now, at least I am aware of it and can act.

In the end, the St. John's Wort may be a failure, or it may be a success. I am hoping it is a success but will assume nothing and rely on my own observations as well as that of others to ascertain its effects.